When you are diagnosed with cancer, your sex life may change in unexpected ways. We’re here to make sure sex doesn’t become the elephant in the bedroom. You can get between the sheets, but not if nobody’s talking about it.
As a rule of thumb, if you are well enough to be in public then you’re well enough to have sex.
Cancer can affect your sex life in many ways, such as your physical ability to engage in sexual activity, your interest in sex, increased emotions such as fear, anxiety, or anger, and new feelings about your body. Here are a few tips to navigate it all:
Moving your body releases endorphins, which in turn can help you think more positively.
How else is your partner going to know what you’re thinking? Having open and honest conversations about your new reality can help you work through your feelings. Your partner will only know how to support you if you share with them.
Talking to people who understand what you’re going through can help you feel more supported. Try connecting with a support group or mental health professional in your area.
It’s not all about sex. Finding alternative ways to experience pleasure and intimacy can help you adjust to your new sex life with cancer. Try kissing and cuddling, watching porn, getting a vibrator or other toys, setting the mood with candles, or playing out a sexual fantasy. And if you’re tired a lot, try engaging in sexual activity when you have the most energy, like right after a nap.
Give yourself space, this is a new part of life. It might take a few tries to find a position that is comfortable or to work up enough energy for sex.
You may be sick of seeing your doctor after all of your appointments, but if you have questions about your sex life with cancer, ask them! Your doctor knows your health and medical risks best, so they are your best resource.
Even if your body feels physically strong enough for sex, you may not be interested in sex right now. That’s totally okay and normal.
You’re not only dealing with your cancer diagnosis, but also the side effects of your treatment, including fatigue, nausea, decreased interest in sex, and/or weight loss/gain. All of these can impact your sex life.
When you are being treated with chemotherapy, it’s important to keep the following things in mind:
If you’ve recently had surgery as part of your cancer treatment, ask your doctor when you can start having sex again. Sometimes, sex can strain the incision from surgery, which increases your chance of infection, so practice caution and follow your doctor’s guidance.
Radiation therapy that targets your pelvic area can cause bladder or bowel problems that can make sex challenging. Sex-specific side effects of radiation:
Identified female at birth: Radiation around your pelvis can…
Identified male at birth: Radiation around your pelvis can….
Tips if you have a colostomy or urostomy:
Tips if you have a tracheostomy:
Research has found that women with cancer struggle with body image and physical changes that impact their sex lives. Here are some common physical and mental changes that you may experience, as well as tips to address them in relation to your sex life.
Men with cancer can experience both physical and mental changes to their sex lives. Research has found that the majority of mental challenges that men with cancer face are due to an inability to engage in sex the way they were able to prior to their diagnosis. Men with cancer often struggle to cope with their changed sexual abilities.
Depending on the type of cancer you have and your treatment regimen, you may now have trouble achieving a strong enough erection to be a top. If you are comfortable, consider being a bottom. However, some men who have been treated for prostate or other genital cancers report changes to anal sensitivity and pain during anal sex.
It can be helpful to find a support group or therapist who specializes in treating people with cancer who are gay, bi, or other men who have sex with men. Finding other men who can relate to your experience will help you navigate this period of your life and find support through community.
Finding a new partner or telling someone you’ve been casually dating about your cancer diagnosis and treatment can feel particularly daunting. Here are a few tips to navigate the conversations and experiences to come.
We all know that dating is hard, even when you aren’t dealing with cancer. But, when you’re ready to start dating, consider these tips.
If you’re comfortable, show them any scars or changes to your body. This can help you feel more confident when you’re ready to show your body to a new partner.
Your fertility (including the ability to have children) may have changed due to your cancer treatment. Figuring out how to tell a new partner about this aspect of your cancer might be hard, but it’s an important conversation to have.
It’s possible that you could have an even stronger desire for sex and/or intimacy in your life than before cancer. A cancer diagnosis can bring up very strong emotions, which can be difficult to cope with if you’re single. Try sharing your feelings with close friends and family. The right person will present themselves in time and be able to give you the support you need.
You might want to prepare what you’re going to say to your partner beforehand – write it down, read it through a few times, or practice saying it in the mirror. It can also be helpful to have some answers prepared for questions they might ask.
You might want to share with your partner the changes that your body has gone through before initiating sexual activity so you can gauge how you both feel before becoming intimate.
If you are uninterested or unable to engage in sexual activity, you can still have romantic feelings, and you and a new partner can focus on showing each other affection by talking, cuddling, kissing, and spending time together. Sex is not the only important piece of a romantic relationship.
Cancer is hard. Visit our library to help navigate cancer’s impact on your heart, body, soul, and everything in between.
